C Letter

To the love of my life,

I wrote this letter in the middle of the night, while sitting naked trying to defecate, weirdly enough that’s when my mind tends to reflect the most, and I became good at writing.

Jokes aside, this is the letter that I’ve owed you — that I’ve been meaning to write but I wasn’t able to find the right “emotion” for it. I’m doing all of this in one go on my iPad before turning it into a handwriting later, so apologies for any stupid mistakes and incoherent thoughts.

The reason why I waited to write this letter instead of originally intending to give it to you for your birthday is because I was torn. I didn’t want to just write you a letter because you wrote me one, and treating it like another one of my research projects. I want this letter to be genuine, truly conveying everything that I feel, even if that might not be all sunshines and sappiness.

Why do I feel like writing this letter now?

After our recent discussions/debates/talks before I flew, and “sensing” your uneasiness attitude (I’m getting better aren’t I) over chats, I feel that it is time to pour my hearts into this letter.

In our relationship, other than the obvious, I realized that my biggest sin was jumping into this whole thing too soon, dragging your emotions down in the process. Instead of taking things slow, and being more certain with each other, I was afraid of losing you.

At the time, I didn’t fully comprehend why I was so afraid. I know I’m not childish enough to be triggered by the fact that somebody had confessed to you, but for some reason my gut feeling at that time told me to pursue this relationship at all cost. The outcome is what we both had known very well. Months of uneasiness, sleepless nights, which is still ongoing up to this point (although its a lot better… thanks to you).

If you’re uneasy about this Bali trip, you’re right.

But hold on… let me just cut to the chase that this doesn’t have a bad ending so you can take your time reading the rest. You’re right to feel uneasy not only because of what I did, but because this trip is really what I need to cement my feelings, thoughts, and figure out what I want out of this whole relationship thing.

I’m bad at it. I admit. I was not a popular kid in high school (alright-ish), I was never that great with girls, and I got emotionally broken during my first semester of college. All the above turned me into a ruthless, super logical ENTJ, that focuses on my career, on advancing myself without being in touch with the “how to handle romantic relationship” side of my emotion. I might have figured out my own mind, self motivation and all that; but I’m an absolute newbie at handling romantic relationships.

I got into my last relationship due to the fact that everything just aligned. In retrospect, that wasn’t a bad thing per se (I cherish my experience and lessons), but it was not the right thing to do when deciding to enter into a relationship.

Relationship is hard. I’m sure you know this well also. We’re young, we’re still growing, there’s never absolute certainty, and there are volatile swings. Sometimes you hate me, sometimes I hate you, sometimes we’re bored of each other — but we still get back to each other at the end of the day (I can’t stay mad at you… I hope you’ll continue to be like that also to me).

So where is this all going?

This Bali trip is indeed what I need to see first-hand the glimpse of “freedom” that I would have as a young bachelor, and decide whether I truly want this relationship. Maybe you sensed that from me and that made you uneasy. This doesn’t mean stupid shit like playing with fire but I just simply need to see the life here and reflect whether that’s what I want.

That’s the bare minimum of what you deserve from me; certainty; after everything that you’ve gone through for me.

So what now?

Well… the answer is yes.

I wish my writing is more eloquent right now but its super late.

There’s an indescribable feeling of sadness, anger, self loath, and many more that I have towards myself because I know I had/have temptations, and will most likely always have it in the future if we want to have a healthy sexual life… heck I know I would feel all of the above immensely in Bali due to the freedom, international lifestyle, etc. I kept thinking that every men has this temptation, but I know its not an excuse.

This is the reason why I feel that I need this trip to truly know that despite all of that, I will feel empty and hollow without you.

I want what we have. I want our future together, I want the life we’ve joked/envisioned about, and above all, I want your presence in my life, and I want to have a presence in yours.

Sigh.

I was stupid. Looking back, I should’ve not pulled you into commitment until I have more certainty. If I think I was 90% certain, it should’ve been 120% instead, or 150%. There’s a part of me that wished I had done all of that instead, truly getting to know you (and myself) for 3-6 months before jumping into our relationship, so you didn’t have to go through all the pain that I caused. I mean ffs you were just a stranger 7 months ago.

Anyways, I know this letter is a just a bomb of unfiltered emotions and might not be super coherent. I also know that it might invoke mixed feelings from you, but it is something that I have to say, and something that you deserve to hear.

I swear I’m not drunk but this is the most “emotion” that I’ve felt in the past few months. Maybe its the solitary feeling from traveling alone. I’m quite overwhelmed so I just need to put all of this into thoughts right now.


I love you.

Thank you for sticking with me, for loving me, and for being genuinely the most important person in my life right now (other than ma & pa ofc :p). I will come back from this trip with a renewed mind, 150% certain of what I want, pouring 200% energy into loving you, and making our relationship works.

-Your source of joy & pain

P.S. Hopefully only joy in the future, I’m always striving to be that happy pill.

Marco M.


Written on Saturday, June 25, 2022

00:57 -  01:57

Bali Time, Indonesia

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